You Want Lawyer Jokes? We Got Lawyer Jokes!
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A doberman! Q: Why does New Jersey have the highest amount of Toxic waste and California the highest amount of lawyers? A: New Jersey had First Choice! Q: What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer? A: One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other's a fish. Q: What do you call 20 lawyers buried up to their neck in the sand? A: Not enough sand! Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: Take his head out of the toilet. A3: No. Good! Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances. Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigalo? A: A gigalo only screws one person at a time. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A: Every day a rooster starts his day by clucking defiant... Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer? A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do. Q: What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane? A: Skeet! Q: Why don't lawyers don't lay on the beach? A: Because they are afraid a cat will come by and cover them up. Q: Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet under instead of 6 feet under? A: Because deep down they are really nice people. Q: Why are leopards sometimes observed eating elephant dung? A: To wash away the taste of a lawyer they just ate! Q: How many lawyer jokes are going around the Web? A: Three! (All the rest are true!)
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday." Came the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again." Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request." Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!" The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Gandhi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?" ----- A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing whose profession had been around the longest. Deciding to back up his position by resorting to theology, the doctor pointed out that God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs. This, he argued, was clearly a surgical procedure, which meant that doctors had been around since the creation of man. The engineer, not to be outdone, pointed out that God created the entire earth out of chaos. This, the engineer exclaimed, was clearly the work of an engineer, proving that engineers have been around since the creation of the earth. "Well," said the lawyer with a grin on his face, "obviously there were lawyers around before that." "What do you mean," asked the others. Replied the lawyer, "where do you think all the chaos came from in the first place?" ----- One day a blind baby rabbit and a blind baby snake bumped into each other. "Hey, watch where you're going". "No, you watch where you're going". "I can't, I'm blind". "Hey, me too. What are you?". "I don't know, what are you?". "I don't know... How about we check each other out and see if we can figure out what we are?". "OK, me first". The snake comes over to the rabbit and starts checking him out: "You're warm, and soft, and furry, and you've got these long ears, and a nose that wiggles...I think you're a rabbit!". "Yes!" the rabbit exclaims "I'm a rabbit, YEHHH !!". "Yes you must be, now my turn, come check me out!!" The rabbit then starts checking out the snake: "Ooohh..you're cold, with beady little eyes and a tongue that's going about 100 mph..." "Oh Crap!" exclaims the snake, "I must be a lawyer!". ----- A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" ----- A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for Doctor brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for Lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?" ----- A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" ----- A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" ---- While on safari, a tourists noticed a leopard following a herd of elephants and eating large mouthfuls of their droppings. The tourist inquired as to the reason for this strange behavior. The resident naturalist explained that the leopard had just eaten a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of his mouth. --- A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them." ----- A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow." ----- "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question." ----- The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, naturally) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time...) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to Him-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!" ----- Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." ----- "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. ----- A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" ------ Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." ----- A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" ----- A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" ----- The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. ---- These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". [That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".] ---- For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." ----- God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" ----- Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are only fictional characters. ----- The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch. 1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer. 2) Lawyers breed faster. 3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying. 4) There are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings. ---- A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" ----- It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.'" "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" ----- A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in The Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it... ---- A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. ---- A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered... ----- If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? --- By the way, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin. --- The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite a while. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." ----- When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. --- It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. --- A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." --- A chiropractor is standing in line at the bank. He notices that the shoulders of the man standing in front of him in line are severely misaligned. After a while, the chiropractor just cannot bear to see such disocated shoulders, so he grabs the man's shoulders, thrusts his knee into the man's spine and pulls the man's shoulders into perfect alignment. The man turns around and yells "What are you trying to do?" The chiropractor answers "I'm a chiropractor and I just cannot bear to see a person's shoulder's as out of line as yours were! But now they are in perfect alignment!" "Listen," said the man in front of the chiropractor, "why don't you mind your own business and keep your hands to yourself? I'm a lawyer and you don't see me screwing the people ahead of me in line!!" --- And, of course ... Q:How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A0: How many can you afford? A1: Three -- one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice. A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." etc...
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